How to do it
Two people answer every question in turn. Not one reading while the other listens — both of you answer the same question before moving on. That is the central condition: closeness comes from mutual disclosure, not from one person opening up.
The original study allowed about forty-five minutes for the whole list, fifteen per set. A timer genuinely helps. Without one, the first five questions eat an hour and the third set — the one the whole thing is built around — never gets read.
- Both of you answer, in turn, every question.
- Don’t reorder the list or cherry-pick questions.
- Roughly a quarter of an hour per set.
- Phones away — the procedure doesn’t survive screen breaks.
- You can skip a question, but then you both skip it.
Why the order matters more than the questions
Aron’s real finding was about sequence, not content. The first set is almost small talk: a dinner guest, a perfect day, whether you’d want to be famous. The second asks about memories, gratitude and fear. The third asks you to say something about the person sitting opposite, right now.
Start at the third set and the procedure fails — it becomes an awkward interview. The escalation gives both of you time to get used to the fact that these questions get honest answers here, and it is that habit, rather than courage, that carries a pair to the end of the list.
The four minutes of silent eye contact
The study had one more step after the list, and it’s the one everybody forgets: four minutes of looking into each other’s eyes without speaking. No talking, no laughing, no looking away.
It is the most uncomfortable part of the procedure and the most revealing. The first minute feels endless, the second feels absurd, and somewhere in the third the awkwardness drops away. If you got to the end of the list, don’t skip it — this is where most pairs notice the difference.
Who it suits, and who it doesn’t
The list was built for strangers, but it works just as well for couples who have been together for years: the third set asks things that long relationships simply never get around to asking.
Don’t use it as a test of feeling or as a repair kit for something already broken. It is a closeness procedure, not a diagnostic: it adds intimacy where there is something to build on, and says nothing about whether you should be together.
- Good: the first months, a long partnership, a close friendship.
- Bad: the conversation after a fight, or "let’s finally talk properly" under pressure.
- Never: without the other person agreeing to the whole format.
